Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Waste Land

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire,
--TS Elliot

For me, this has rung true. April seems cruel so far.

April taunts me with summer without actually supplying. It's warm here in Boston and the sun shines most days, but slipping into the pool is not refreshing, just cold. I want the summer, whatever that means at this point. I don't have solid summer plans yet, but I know they will involve friends, sunshine, clear water, and no classes. I want lilacs, green beans, spinach, and sweet peas straight from the garden and April can not provide me those things.

April gives me desire. We are picking houses this week and all I can see is the senior suites and air conditioned common rooms floating just beyond my reach. I have a bad lottery number and will probably not get spectacular housing. All I need is four walls, two beds, and an easy-going roommate, but wouldn't it be nice to have a 1 instead of 161.

April breeds fears about classes. This week we are also selecting classes and I am worried if I can do the work, if I can get what I want, and if my professors will find my talent. On Friday when I hit register for all I will be committing to yet another semester of hard work and learning, that I am ready for, but find hard to agree to. It seems that college is a little bit like signing up for beautiful torture.
April stirs memory. I haven't been home for a couple of weeks and I find myself waking up, dreaming of my family. I miss the memories of easygoing springs and sitting on the porch with the Adirondack chairs made by my father's hands and maple trees planted with my grandfather's strength. Familiarity here is good, but the memories are recent, not reminiscent.

I hope with you all we can defeat cruel April and make it to May

For I'm to be Queen o' the May
--Alfred Lord Tennyson

1 comment:

Bob Singer said...

"April showers bring May flowers" is not about the weather. Hang in there!